


You’re a wizard, literally everyone

by Coconut_ThatOneFriend



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Harry Potter AU, I don’t have any idea for how this is gonna go, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, also, besides the professors, there will probably be angst, theres no voldemort, theres none of the original Harry Potter characters, this is gonna take forever let me tell you that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 10:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17827253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coconut_ThatOneFriend/pseuds/Coconut_ThatOneFriend
Summary: It’s Be More Chill but it’s set in the Harry Potter Universe. Chaos ensues.I have absolutely no idea how long this will be. So just be warned.Warnings will be added as I go on.(ignore the fact that Hogwarts is in Britain and I left it in New Jersey)





	1. On the Train with the Lads

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to start it when everyone’s already on the train. Everything before that will only be revealed in flashbacks and conversation.

_**Jeremy’s P.O.V.** _

Who would’ve thought Jeremy Heere was going to Hogwarts with his best friend, Michael Mell? No one, that’s who. At least not Jeremy. And definitely not Michael, his moms being muggles and all.

Yet here they were. Hogwarts. School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Or at least the train. But they were at the very least going to Hogwarts, which is an adventure on its own. Jeremy’s mom told him all about it, the spirits and houses and the food. She gushed about the food a lot. With the snacks on the train, he could tell why.

“Jeremy,” Michael said from the other seat. It was just the two of them in the compartment, which was totally, completely, absolutely fine. “What are you most excited about?”

“The food,” Jeremy said. “My mom has told me all about it, and she says it’s great.”

Michael nodded. “Do you think it’s anything like my moms cooking?”

Jeremy looked out the window, at the passing fields and animals. “Nah. Rosé makes really good sandwiches. And from what I know, wizards don’t settle for plain old sandwiches. It’s all or nothing.”

Michael smiled as someone knocked on their compartment door. Jeremy stood up and opened it to see a girl with black hair in a ponytail. She had her bag and wasn’t wearing her robes yet, but it was also the first five minutes of the ride and no one was in their robes.

“Uh, hi?” Jeremy said–asked. What a great conversationalist he was, huh?

The girl gave a small wave. “Hi, I’m Christine. Is this compartment open?”

Jeremy nodded and moved out the way. “Y-Yeah, it’s open. I’m Jeremy and t-this is-”

“Michael at your service,” Michael supplied. Jeremy shot him a grateful look and Michael nodded. They’ve been saving each other from embarrassment since third grade. This was a common occurrence.

The girl–Christine–smiled and walked inside. She sat down next to Jeremy’s spot. Well, this should be fun. “What are your families like? Both of my parents are non-wizards. I heard someone refer to them as Muggles? I don’t know if that’s a derogatory term or not, though. I hope not.”

Michael shot Jeremy a confused look. Michael was from one of the “non-wizard” families. Jeremy, on the other hand…

Jeremy shook his head. “N-no, no. Muggle just m-means non-wizard. There i-i-is a derogatory term, though. Muggle isn’t, um, isn’t it.”

Christine nodded her head and perked up at the sound of wheels in the hall. The snack-cart-thing rolled up and the lady pushing it smiled sweetly. “Hello, darlings. Would you like anything?” 

Michael smiled wide and Christine furrowed her eyebrows. “I don’t have anything to buy with.”

Jeremy reassuringly/awkwardly patted her shoulder. “I can b-buy something.”

He stood up and took out a small bag filled with Knuts, Sickles and Galleons. Jeremy pointed out a few of the candies, the ones he recognized from when his mom brought them, and paid with the correct amount of coins.

When the snack-cart-thing lady rolled off, Jeremy sat down and revealed what he had gotten. Michael and Christine both gawked at the sweets. Christine looked up and smiled wide. “This looks so freaking cool!”

Michael nodded furiously, smiling wide as well. “Hell yeah, it does! Hey, Jere, how come you know all this stuff again?” 

Jeremy blushed. “I, uh. My m-mom is a wizard, completely. She, uh, she’s a healer in a wizard hospital.”

Jeremy thought about all the times his mom was called in to help someone with a dragon burn or missing bones in the middle of the night. It was a time-consuming job, for sure. Sometimes Jeremy wished it wasn’t.

Christine grabbed a chocolate frog and opened it. She jumped back when the frog jumped at her face. “HOLY GUACAMOLE, ITS A MAGIC CHOCOLATE.”

Jeremy laughed. “Y-Yeah, chocolate frogs do that sometimes. Or, uh, usually. But really it’s the, uh, it’s the card you want.”

Jeremy took the container and took out the card. “Uh, ‘Circe’. I’ve already got t-two of her at home.”

Card Circe scoffed–non-audibly, of course, she’s inside a card–and left the card. Michael grabbed a chocolate frog and opened it with more success than Christine. 

As Michael ate the frog, he took out the card. “‘Uric the Oddball’. Why’s he an oddball?”

Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows as he tossed Christine some Bertie Bott’s. “I dunno. M-Maybe we’ll learn about it? We did have to get a, uh, history book.” 

Christine nodded and ate a yellow jelly bean. She immediately spat it out. “Ewwwww, this is disgusting.”

Michael grabbed his own jelly bean, this one green, and ate it. He frowned. “No, this one tastes like apple.”

Jeremy revealed the entire name. “‘Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans’. And by every f-flavor, they mean every flavor. Er, cherry, ear wax, um, chocolate, pepper. They got it a-all.”

Michael and Christine has opposite reactions. Michael smiled wide and grabbed his own box. Christine scrunched up her nose and pushed away the boxes closest to her. “That’s gross. Let’s continue onto something else. What house do you want to be in most?” 

Michael furrowed his eyebrows. “House?”

Jeremy grabbed a cauldron cake. “Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. In g-general, Gryffindor is for the brave, Slytherin is for the ambitious, Ravenclaw is f-for the wise and Hufflepuff is for the loyal.”

Christine nodded. “Yep. I read that in one of the books. And apparently, all the ‘bad guys’–she made air quotes around those two words–are from Slytherin. The ‘good guys’–more air quotes–are from Gryffindor. And in the book, Ravenclaw is for the smarts and nothing else. Hufflepuff is for the ‘losers’.” Air quotes. 

Michael nodded and frowned. He threw another jelly bean in his mouth. “Well, Gryffindor sounds like an absolute handful. Don’t want to be in there. I guess Ravenclaw?”

Jeremy thought a bit. “Yeah, that s-sounds like you, Michael. I would want to be in G-Gryffindor, though. Not that I’m particularly b-brave or anything.”

Christine kicked her legs against the chair. She didn’t seem to want anything else from the snack pile. “Actually, I think Hufflepuff would be nice. Even if it is under appreciated, it sounds like a good thing, and I like to think of myself as loyal.”

Jeremy opened his mouth as a voice reverberated throughout the train. “We are reaching Hogwarts in ten minutes!”

A guy about a foot taller than the three of them slid the door open. He was already wearing his robes. “You guys should change. And no, it does not involve undressing. It’s the first day. Just put on the robe and make sure it’s buttoned well.”

He walked away and slid the door shut. The three looked at each other. That was that, then.

Jeremy took out his case and took out his robe. Hopefully it didn’t shrink in the month he’s had it. Knowing Jeremy, though, it probably did.

He put it on and fumbled with the one button. Really, just one button. And he couldn’t even do that. It didn’t help that he was left-handed and these robes were a great example of forgetting that left-handed people exist. Just dandy. 

Christine went to help Jeremy with the one (one!) button before realizing what she was doing. She blushed and sat back down. Jeremy blushed as well and finally buttoned his robe. 

Michael gave Jeremy “that look” and put on his own robe with considerably less struggle than Jeremy. Christine did as well. Show-offs.

 

-

 

As the train slowed to a stop, Jeremy, Michael and Christine shoveled the candy into the inner pockets of their robes. Those were expensive as a car for twelve year olds.

A extremely tall, wide and bushy man with a lantern called out for the first years. The three made their way to him. It was harder than it should’ve been. But that’s what happens when there are hundreds of kids milling around, it’s raining, and the sun had already set.

As they reached the man, Jeremy overheard him introduce himself as Hagrid. Wasn’t any weirder than the last name “Heere.” Probably a wizard thing, having weird names. That would explain a lot, actually.

The crowd of first years made their way to the lake. Were they going to swim? He wasn’t going to ask. Another kid asked for him, anyway.

“We’re not going to swim across the lake, right,” she said. It wasn’t phrased like a question. More like a demand. “Because it’s cold and it’s late, and I don’t want hypothermia.

Jeremy looked around a cluster of students to see exactly who was talking. It was a girl, which he already knew because of the voice, with brown hair held back with a headband. Now this was a scary kid. She held the air of someone who ordered others around, but did nothing herself. Not the type of person Jeremy hung out with or wanted to.

Michael elbowed Jeremy’s side. “I sure hope I’m not in the same house as her. She’d probably make me do her homework and feed me to a raccoon when I refused. Which I wouldn’t, by the way. She’s scary.”

Christine nodded as Hagrid responded to the girl. “I see yer not one ter wait a’ound, eh? No, we’re takin’ some boats. Too ma’y things in te lake that’ll kill ya if yer not carefu’.”

The girl gave a curt nod and turned back to the mini flock (read: cult) she already started. Christine whispered to them, “I hope she doesn’t treat everyone like that. She’ll just get in trouble.”

Jeremy knew she was wrong, but didn’t say anything. The girl obviously came from a family from money. Elementary kids with the huge houses would act the same way. She probably always got what she wanted.

The three made their way to a boat. Even if they didn’t have to swim, they were still only twelve. No upper body strength there, so they couldn’t row the boat.

Except, Jeremy was the only one with that problem, apparently. Besides someone else two boats away, everyone seemed perfectly capable of rowing to the castle. And even though Jeremy _wanted_ to help, he physically couldn’t. Stupid scrawny Jeremy arms.

As Michael and Christine rowed the boat, Jeremy looked around and took in the view. The castle loomed over them and had too many towers to count. Every once in a while, silver figures would come to the surface of the lake before disappearing again. And were those people riding horses near the forest?

Whatever they were, they had reached the castle shores. Jeremy stumbled out, because of course he did. Christine held back a smile and Michael held back a laugh. Jeremy stuck out his tongue at them before turning towards the castle.

“A beau’y, is’t she?” Hagrid said wistfully from behind Jeremy, who turned around. “I reme’ber te fir’t time I came here like yeste’day. Dumb’edore, now he’s a good man.”

And then louder, “Come on! We ‘aven’t got all day.”


	2. The Sorting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets sorted and it’s a mess :)

_**Jeremy P.O.V.** _

All the first years got off the boats and went up the rocky shore to the entrance. A tall woman in dark robes and a pointed hat waited for them. She led them to a back room behind a large set of doors. Hushed whispers treated until a sea of ghosts appeared, with their own conversations. 

“Did you  _ see _ what Peeves pulled?”

“Stop talking about my neck.”

“Are these the first years?”

At that last statement, at least half the ghosts stopped and greeted them. One approached Jeremy. 

“Hello,” it–he?–said. “I assume that you  _ are  _ a first year?”

Jeremy remembered his mom mentioning spirits, but he wasn’t actually expecting to meet them. He nodded. 

The ghost floated through Jeremy, saying, “Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!”

Jeremy turned to Michael and Christine. Michael whispered into Jeremy’s ear, “You didn’t tell me there were ghosts here!”

Jeremy still couldn’t talk. Then chalk fell from the sky.

The pointy-hat-lady luckily appeared. “Peeves, stop bothering the students!”

Another ghost–Peeves?–appeared with a sheepish smile. “Whoopsie, Minerva. It seems that my chalk slipped out my hands!”

Pointy-hat-lady shooed off Peeves, who promptly disappeared. She turned toward the crowd of first years. 

“So sorry about Peeves,” she started. “Watch out for him. I am Professor McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress, head of Gryffindor, and Transfiguration professor.”

Some kids started whispering. Not the little trio Jeremy was part of. They could tell that this was not someone to mess with. Professor McGonagall clapped her hands and glared at the loudest section. They stopped.

“Outside these doors is the Great Hall. There, you will be sorted into one of four houses. There is Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. The Sorting Hat will explain. Come.”

Michael turned to Jeremy. “A hat?”

Jeremy opened his mouth to respond when Christine interrupted him. 

“Yep, a hat. It’s really old, I think around eight hundred? The magic used to create it is really old, too. It can’t be recreated anymore. Get it.”

Michael slowly nodded. Jeremy has known him long enough to know that, no, Michael did not get. 

The crowd followed Professor McGonagall into the Great Hall. It really  _ was  _ great. There were four tables under the ceiling, which looked exactly like the sky outside. Candles floated about, with no visible strings. A long table was closest to where they entered. What Jeremy assumed was the staff was seated there. 

Right in front of the staff table was a stool with a hat set on it. Professor McGonagall motioned for everyone to quiet, and the hat began to sing. 

_ Oh, you may not think I’m pretty, _ __  
_ But don’t judge on what you see, _ __  
_ I’ll eat myself if you can find _ __  
_ A smarter hat than me. _ __  
_ You can keep your bowlers black, _ __  
_ Your top hats sleek and tall, _ __  
_ For I’m the Hogwarts Sorting Hat _ __  
_ And I can cap them all. _ __  
_ There’s nothing hidden in your head _ __  
_ The Sorting Hat can’t see, _ __  
_ So try me on and I will tell you _ __  
_ Where you ought to be. _ __  
_ You might belong in Gryffindor, _ __  
_ Where dwell the brave at heart, _ __  
_ Their daring, nerve and chivalry _ __  
_ Set Gryffindors apart; _ __  
_ You might belong in Hufflepuff, _ __  
_ Where they are just and loyal, _ __  
_ Those patient Hufflepuffs are true _ __  
_ And unafraid of toil; _ __  
_ Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, _ __  
_ If you’ve a ready mind, _ __  
_ Where those of wit and learning, _ __  
_ Will always find their kind; _ __  
_ Or perhaps in Slytherin _ __  
_ You’ll make your real friends, _ __  
_ Those cunning folk use any means _ __  
_ To achieve their ends. _ __  
_ So put me on! Don’t be afraid! _ __  
_ And don’t get in a flap! _ __  
_ You’re in safe hands (though I have none) _ _  
_ __ For I’m a Thinking Cap!

When it was done, the students at the tables clapped and Professor McGonagall took out a scroll and began reading names. 

“Abell, Claire.”

A girl with a side braid walked up to the Sorting Hat. Almost as soon as she put it on, it shouted, “RAVENCLAW!”

“Ashcroft, Hannah.”

“SLYTHERIN!”

“Babb, Luis.”

“HUFFLEPUFF!”

“Blanc, Madeleine.”

“GRYFFINDOR!”

“Bynum, Frederic.”

“GRYFFINDOR!”

“Canigula, Christine.”

Christine walked up to the Sorting Hat. She stayed under for about thirty seconds before it yelled, “RAVENCLAW!”

She smiled and joined the second table to the left. 

There was a Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, and another Slytherin. 

“Dillinger, Jake.”

A really tall kid walked up to the stool. He had an extreme air of confidence. The hat barely touched  his head when:

“GRYFFINDOR!”

He smiled proudly and walked to the cheering table of Gryffindors, on the far left. Two Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw were next. 

“Goranski, Richard.”

The short kid who also couldn’t row a boat speed walked to the hat. He had the hat on for the longest time so far. After almost three minutes, it shouted, “GRYFFINDOR!”

The kid bit his lip and basically ran to the Gryffindor table. Then there was two Slytherins and a Ravenclaw.

“Heere, Jeremy.”

Michael lightly pushed Jeremy towards the sorting hat. Jeremy stumbled and heard a few kids snicker behind him. He turned red and sat on the stool putting on the Sorting Hat. 

_ Interesting.  _

Interesting? What does that mean?

_ Why, you can go into any of the houses! But which one would work best… _

Any of the houses? How can tha-

_ It’s a thing that happens. Now let me think.  _

Oh, okay. 

_ A bright mind, for sure. You would do well in Ravenclaw. But you’re loyal to those around you, a Hufflepuff’s trait definitely. Brave, yes brave.  _ _ Gryffindor wouldn’t hurt. And ambition. You got a lot of ambition, Heere. Perhaps Slytherin.  _

But which house?

_ Patience. You would do well in any of the houses, really. No need to be a prophet to see that. It’s how you  _ achieve _ that, that’s the biggest question.  _

So…?

_ So, stop interrupting. Let’s see. The place where you will be most successful, with plenty of people who can help you, is _ …

“SLYTHERIN!”

Jeremy took of the hat in a daze. He was in Slytherin? No. But that’s what the Sorting Hat said. As he walked to the table, which was on the far right, he tripped over his robes. One of the other  Slytherins whispered to her friend and they both giggled over something. Jeremy turned red and took a seat. 

Then there were three Gryffindors, two Slytherins, five Ravenclaws and three Hufflepuffs, not necessarily in that order. 

“Lohst, Brooke.”

A girl with blonde hair skipped to the Sorting Hat. She was under for maybe around one and a half minutes before it shouted, “HUFFLEPUFF!”

She smiled and made her way to the table, right next to the Slytherin table. 

“Mell, Michael.”

Michael looked around and made eye contact with Jeremy. Jeremy gave him a small thumbs up. Michael bit his lip and walked toward the Sorting Hat. Jeremy half-hoped Michael would be in Slytherin with him. But not really. Michael was definitely  _ not  _ Slytherin material. But then again, neither was Jeremy. Right?

“HUFFLEPUFF!”

Michael took off the hat and slowly walked to the Hufflepuff table. He sat next to the Brooke girl, but they didn’t talk. Jeremy and Michael made eye contact, having a silent conversation that went something like:

_ “Dude, I hope none of your housemates murder you.” _

_ “Me too. Hufflepuff sounds really great right now.” _

_ “I wish you were with me. Everyone is intimidating.” _

_ “Slytherins are even more intimidating! They can probably kill me with eye contact.” _

_ “True. Don’t worry. I won’t kill you with eye contact on purpose.” _

_ “I’ll take it.” _

Jeremy turned back to the Sorting as someone was sorted into Ravenclaw. 

“Rolan, Jenna.”

Another girl left the side of scary girl, where they were whispering about something. She walked toward the Sorting Hat. Sometime later, it shouted, “RAVENCLAW!”

A small group of girls next to him started whispering amongst themselves. Jeremy decided he would listen to them. Not that he was eavesdropping. That would be creepy, and Jeremy is definitely  _ not  _ creepy. 

“I hear the oldest Valentine is here.”

“Valentine? From the House of Valentine?”

“Of course from the House of Valentine. Who would be stupid enough to take that name?”

“Probably a Hufflepuff.”

The girls giggled, and Jeremy decided that this was stupid and paid attention to the Sorting Ceremony again. 

“Thatcher, Sapphire” went into Hufflepuff with “Todd, Albert”. “Toland, Marilyn” went into Slytherin. 

“Valentine, Chloe.”

All whispering in the Slytherin table stopped. The scary girl from before walked to the Sorting Hat. Her confidence matched that of Tall Kid Jake. As soon as she put on the Sorting Hat, it shouted:

“SLYTHERIN!”

Everyone around Jeremy in the Slytherin table clapped extremely loud. The girl took off the hat and, with a very smug smile, made her way to the Slytherin table. She sat across from the group of girls, diagonal to Jeremy. 

The last three kids–“Wilkins, Russell”, “Wynn, Nadia”, and “Zarate, Mabel”– were placed into Ravenclaw, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, respectively. 

Professor McGonagall rolled up the scroll and took the stool, along with the Sorting Hat, to someone, who took out the room. Professor McGonagall turned around. 

“Before we start, Dumbledore would like to say a few words.”

She turned around and took a seat next to a wizened old man, with silvery hair and a beard. He stood up and his eyes twinkled like he had just heard a wonderful joke.

The Scary Girl Chloe whispered to the group of girls, “Here goes the insane old man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a lot of time deciding who goes in what house. Like a lot.
> 
> Also, the Sorting Hat’s song is directly from the books. I couldn’t think of another song so I just McYoinked it directly from there.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really excited to write this! I have a general idea with what I want to do, but it’s more that these characters exist and I just write their story. That sounds really poetic. I don’t write the story, I just tell it.


End file.
